Sunday, January 9, 2011

C is for...

My seems as if this blog has gotten off to a rather rocky start.  Shall my New Year's Resolution be to update this blog more frequently?  Yes!  I feel rather badly that I have neglected it!  I hope that in the coming year, my thoughts help those on their journey,  whether it is a resignation from Mormonism or perhaps a greater understanding of us so called "apostates."  Please feel free to share your thoughts.  

 But, enough with the apologies!  Onto why you really come here...because you like what I write, right?  

C(hoose) T(he) R(ight)

The mantra of the Church, especially for young children (and adults still treated as Emotional Adolescents), is Choose the Right.  Not right over left.  The right choice.  The right attitude.  The right behavior.  The right dress.  The right appearance.  The right friends.  The right people to date.  The right husband.  The right place.  The right time.  The right answer.  This usually means following the Church prescribed path. Didn't get the Already-Set-Forth-Answer?  Well you, my friends, are wrong.  You aren't trying hard enough.  You don't have enough desire.  And you certainly don't have enough faith.  Keep trying until you get the Right Answer.  We all know what it is.  We know.  We know because we have felt it.  And we can not deny what we feel.  We know because Prophets have spoken.  And we can not deny the Prophets.  But mostly, we know because we feel.  We prayed and we know what we felt. 

When I was eight, I was given a ring with the initials CTR inscribed on a tiny gold shield.  An expensive ring.  Not one of those cheap, silver-and-green deals you got in Primary.  The ones that inevitably turned your finger beautiful shades of green (as the cheap sterling silver wore off) AND purple (as it cut off your circulation).  

While playing at the playground one afternoon, the ring slipped off my finger and down into the grains of sand below. Tears filled my eyes. I knew my ring would never be seen again. My eight-year-old heart was broken. Acting as only a good eight-year-old could, I quickly said a small prayer, praying that my ring would be found.  The Primary president recently discussed in Sharing Time the importance of prayer.  I was eager to have a prayerful experience of my own.  

A few minutes later, my cousin scooped up a handful of sand, rays of sun glinting off a fleck of gold. A magpie couldn't have found my ring faster. 

Months ago, as a 22 year-old young woman, I prayed.  I prayed and I felt nothing.  I felt nothing until I sat alone in a room full of pictures of Christ.  It dawned on me.  The thought.  The clearest feeling:  What if it isn't true?

I can not deny what I felt.  The peace.   

Years after the gold ring was found, I told my boyfriend I was no longer obligated to choose anything as my CTR ring had long since slid into the murky bottom of a lake, winking at me as it drown. 


  1. I remember the day that question popped into my head for the first time. Even as the question popped into my head I already knew the answer. The very second I thought, "What if its not all true?" about a million other things slid into place and suddenly made sense. So traumatic!

    Welcome to the blogosphere! I look forward to reading more things from you!

  2. It's relieving and traumatic all at the same time.

    Thank you so much! I love your writing and look forward to reading it as well.


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