The Red Flag of Avoidance

I thought about writing on my "real" blog, but I've found myself increasingly shying away from it because:

1. I feel like I've created a "persona" {though I'm not a well-known one by any means} and to stray from my usual topics would be strange.
2. People I know {in real life even!} read it and I feel odd knowing that. Like I can't actually write what I mean if someone I know will be reading my writing.
3. I work in Social Media and I just get tired of social media-ing all the time. It's draining in a way.

So, I turn to this page where I am anonymous and can share my "deeper" thoughts.

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My writing teacher {I am no longer taking writing classes, but she was inspiring and I think about her advice all the time}, talked a lot about the Red Flag of Avoidance i.e. she can tell when a writer is writing around an issue or specifically leaving it out because they don't want to address it.

Guess who triggered her Red Flag of Avoidance more than any other writer?

Avoidance. It's what I do best. Ignore it. Maybe it will go away. Maybe it will slip through my fingers like sand, blending into the thousand other grains and become indistinguishable among all the other things I have to deal with.

Which is how a lot of Mormons deal with their problems. I told my family I thought their religion was a big fucking lie. We didn't talk for eight months and then...everything was fine. My sister ignored my engagement, hoping it would go away {not happening} and instead she went away to the MTC. The ultimate location in reality avoidance! Six weeks here and we will empty your soul and replace it with a handcrafted Mormon soul. All righteous, all the time. {And kids seats are still just five bucks!}

And when she wasn't avoiding me? What did she deign to talk to me about? How she was preparing for her mission. How she was very excited to go. How she despised her pregnant roommate {yet brought her to live with my parents...}. Her. Her. Her. All the time avoiding ME.

I still don't understand how she can't see that it isn't right for her to expect support from me in whatever she does and not return the same feelings for me.

I stand by my statement I made earlier to my parents. Her mission is a big fucking lie. And yet, I knew she was excited and listened to her.

And yet, she avoided me.

She can't hear about my life, my fiance, the family I'm building here because it doesn't fit with her life. But. Oh. I can hear about her life, her problems, her "scholarly" religious work because she's "right."

Do I trigger her Red Flag of Avoidance? Does she look at my life and wonder how I can be happy? Does she think of me other than to disown me, condemn me, control me?

As much as I told her that her sadness about me leaving The Church are her own fault, I can't help but feel sad for her jumping into something that is such a waste of time and harmful. She will come out an empty shell filled with nonsense and even more avoidance of truth, tolerance and love.

I read a quote today that triggered my own Red Flag of Avoidance {though only as it related specifically to avoiding writing this!}:

"Are you paralyzed with fear? That's a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tell us what we have to do. Remember our Rule of Thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more we can be sure we have to do it. Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates the strength of Resistance. Therefore, the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and the growth of our soul."

                                                                                           - Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

And I thought: Maybe she is afraid of me. Maybe she sees that I have not destroyed my life. How I'm happier, stronger, smarter, moving forward. Afraid, but growing. Maybe she looks at her own life and is afraid.

And then I thought: No.

She isn't interested in growth or change or increased knowledge or increased tolerance. She isn't inspired by my life, unless she looks at it as a road map of exactly what not to do. She is looking for more reasons why she is right and others are wrong. She isn't going on her mission because of her self-doubt or fear or Resistance.

She avoids growth, change or Resistance. All Red Flags of Avoidance are further avoided.

Only because she is right. The Church is Right.

Fear is to be avoided. Fear means you are wrong. Fear means you must grow, resist and change. Search.

You can never be afraid because you can never be wrong.

- Emily