Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Write Towards Your Fear

 I fear {in no particular order}:

- the dark
- spiders
-being kidnapped
-demons {even though I don't believe in them...mostly}
-some social situations {mostly because I also fear...}
-unknowingly offending someone

The last is a big one. I thought I was depressed once when I was 12 or 13. It was a dark, rainy afternoon. I looked out the window of my mom's car and said, "this is just so depressing."

She sarcastically replied, "yeah. So depressing."

I decided maybe I wasn't depressed after all.

Two years ago {almost three}, I found out that what I thought was depression wasn't the half of it. Waking up every morning feeling like my body was being pulled to pieces. Showing up to work unshowered wearing dingy gray yoga pants. Feeling the pull of the steering wheel as I drove, quickly, wondering what it would feel like to die. Sobbing in the shower so nobody could hear how sad I felt and I couldn't tell how many tears were trickling down the drain, mixing with the hot water.  That  was what I was like on Depression. I wanted to die. Every. Single. Day. for eight months I wanted to die.

The worst {if there is a worst}, was that the very thing that induced my depression was the very thing my parents thought would "fix" me. Were they in denial? Did they somehow think that if they suggested enough church callings and "choosing the right" my rain clouds would go away? Though they would voice their disappointments in terms of faith: "led astray," "tempted," "faithless," "empty of The Spirit," The Church, not even faith, was the answer. The Church is Supreme and when I became depressed at that time, they suspected it was because I had "lost" The Spirit. Discovering the lies their religion {and what was mine} was built on and turning away {so. far. away.} crushed me and them.

But, the only spirit I was in danger of losing was my own.

{If you believe in souls that is.}

- Emily

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